It’s been several months since I’ve posted but a lot of things have been going on with me…negative things which I’m working on correcting and which I want to share with you.
I’ve been through a very difficult summer in terms of my mental health and this has hindered every aspect of my life, I took the step over the summer to go back on anti depressants and reconnect with my psychologist.
The year has been far from a good one for me and I completely lost sight of not only who I am but also where I’m going. I’ve gone from being a fit teacher, doing 4-5 classes per week to literally doing the one class I’m paid to teach and being so incredibly tired the rest of the time that I simply go to work, then come home eat (crap) and sleep (also crap).
I’ve found myself shying away from events and only going out when it was important and not really finding the enjoyment in life. Reclusive is definitely how I’ve chosen to be for the most part spending a lot of time at home, alone, even whiling days away not bothering to get out of bed.
When suffering from depression and anxiety, small tasks that are simple, become mammoth and soul destroying, I’ll look at the bowl of washing up and walk away because it feels like an impossible task. Something as small as making the bed in the morning becomes this giant problem that my brain is unable to solve.
I got myself into such a state at work that several days I spent in tears because I would simply get in a haze, looking at my screen not having a clue what to do, although deep down knowing exactly what to do. Thinking my boss was against me and that there was no way I’d be made permanent and that I’d be job hunting once again. Thankfully in September my mind was eased little when my boss confirmed I was made permanent. So that relieved at least the money side of my worries.
Now to re-wire the rest of my brain, step in my fabulous doctors (GP and Psychologist), having a supportive GP is massively helpful when suffering as I and many, many others do every day. She doesn’t dismiss me when I’m not a bundle of crying nerves, she understands that there are times when I’m high functioning and to the outside world no one would ever know the pain I cope with every day. She also understands that multiple small concerns can all add up to form an underlying issue that can be debilitating on it’s darkest days, days where I don’t even want to leave my bed much less go to work and try to hold things together.
My psychologist is simply brilliant, she gets that there are days when I can’t clear the clouds in my head and that I need more help to get things out of me, but also knows that those days where I’m bubbling over with things I need to get out of me, to just let me spill it all then she helps me to make sense of it all.
I’m finding much better ways of coping with things, although I still get very easily upset and hurt, instead of letting that ruin me for months on end, I’m learning how to accept it and move on. I’m also finding myself more able to control my anger and irritability than I would have been just 2 months ago. If I was angry 2 months ago I’d have cried my eyes out because I don’t do violence, which people see as weakness when in practice lets be honest, what I’m actually doing is trying my best to not go to prison for beating a person to death with my bare hands.
Taking the step to not only go back on anti depressants but to know when the lowest dose is not working well enough is hard, because at the time you feel like a failure, that you can’t live your life without the support of medication, when the reality is that some people have issues with the wiring of their brains or they have hormonal imbalances that need to be aided by medication so as not to drive a sane person insane.
My health has declined in the past month or so, finding myself teaching with blue lips, shortness of breath and random reoccurring pins and needles, along with what was my scariest panic attack ever, I had a radiating pain in the centre of my chest and was only 30 seconds from my home but I wasn’t sure I’d actually make it there, when I did make it home I found myself in a heap on the floor in pain and in tears not knowing what to do or what I was experiencing but also not wanting to cause a fuss. After explaining all this to my doctor (and getting told off for not calling an ambulance) I was sent to hospital for blood tests, an ECG, Chest X-Ray, urine and stress tests they couldn’t find anything medically wrong with me, and though I still have to have an Echo I have to work on the assumption that it is all in my head and that making certain lifestyle changes will correct all these issues.
For years I’ve had a reliance on men and needing validation from them and my poorly wired brain accepted sex in place of love. I always relied on being a sexual person and having men accept me as that, to the point of now I’m older and I’m alone and I’m far from happy, however happiness or rather the lack thereof is the whole reason I’ve had to do some rewiring of my own.
I’ve decided to have a man free year which I’m already 6 weeks into and I’m coping well, a normally unhelpful side effect of anti depressants and depression is a lack of sex drive however for me right now it’s so helpful because in all honesty it’s the last thing I want. I’ve also come to the realisation that it’s unlikely that I will have children now, and although it makes me sad, it’s not the end of the world.
This year has been the year that I work towards changing my life and although I’ve left it pretty late I’m working hard to do exactly that. This year I’ve qualified to teach Group Cycling and Gym based Fitness Instruction and by the end of the year I aim to be a qualified level 3 Personal Trainer as well as having my certificates in Bootcamps and Circuits and Pre/Post Natal adaptions, and I’m already looking at next year. My plan is to qualify in Level 3 Education and Training, get my exercise referral diploma, Advanced Fit Testing and learn Aqua and Step. Plenty to be getting on with I think.
While all the above is going on I’ll be doing some serious work on me, although I’ve not gotten to my highest weight, if I don’t change soon I’ll be there before I know it.
So today I begin my journey once again, supported by a clearer mind and a focus that my life is mine and only I can make it a life that I actually enjoy and feel like I’m living rather than just existing.
As further stress relief I have now become the crazy cat lady of Waltham Abbey with 3 beautiful black baby kittens (Binks, Salem and Lucifer) and they’ve made my home come alive in the 2 short weeks I’ve had them. There is absolutely something to be said for pet therapy.
So here I am starting my week simply hoping I can focus a little on my diet and a little more on exercise, making some healthy choices and getting a good start on overall wellbeing.
Thank you for taking the time to ready my blog.